Without judgment or condemnation, and with unconditional understanding, they helped me piece my life together
I was a young child when my family attended a local Baptist church not far from our home. We were an ordinary Christian family of three attempting to find a Christ-centered fellowship with our community. It all seemed so ordinary and plain, a simple church with color-stained glass windows surrounded by a dense emerald forest where people gathered together in communion. Much like a dream, that was all it seemed to be and for the next four years of my life, I would spend fighting for survival amidst those obscure windows and towering dark trees.
At the age of 6, nearly every Sunday, I tried to escape my abusers. Both church leadership and supernatural entities were never too far behind me. I climbed the tallest trees, crawled through air ducts, and hid in the tiniest of spaces in my search for solitude from my captors. In my first year, I became rebellious from their abuse and when my concealing ways failed, I would often dissociate from the abuse that was taking place to either myself, other children, or animals. It became second nature to me and I felt myself slowly slip away into a void where I could no longer feel pain. It began always with an overwhelming emotion I didn’t want to feel. I no longer wanted cry, and to escape I became angered, empowered, and in-control once again of my own self and sanity with my protector.
At age 7, the children were taken from the upstairs sanctuary and placed in a detached building further separating us from our parents and families. I was taught how to thrive in dualism, equally light, equally dark, and was eventually separated from the other children to learn my ‘seeing-gifts or abilities’ as they (my abusers) called them. At the age of 8, I could astral travel, predict the future, see through the veil, strategize, etc. By age 9, I had lost the ability to feel emotion almost entirely, always with the slightest fragment of hope that one day my parents would see their daughter broken by the church and its coven. At age 10, I was baptized into the coven and married to an entity of tall, pale stature. Despite my attempt to flee I was raped and defiled in those woods. After this, my memory was lost and my childhood was almost erased.
These memories slowly crept back into my mind sporadically in the forms of nightmares and flashbacks. However, it was not until my high-school and college years that I would remember those horrifying years spent at the church. For years I lived in fear of my gifts, believing I was somehow evil. I was silenced by my abusers and programmers who followed me wherever my path took me. Until one day, I finally broke and began to share my vivid and ambiguous realities with my family and husband. This desire to understand myself and my past ignited something in me, so much that I could not stop searching for the truth.
Finally, I found Discovering MErcy.
My time with Fern and Audrey was unlike anything I have ever experienced in my entire life. From the moment you enter their ministry home, you are abundantly filled with love, acceptance, and compassion. I poured my broken story into their merciful hands and without judgment or condemnation, but unconditional understanding they helped me piece it together. These women identified me—the real me, the dualism, the broken parts, and the child who had been hidden for so long. With their wisdom and teaching, I learned how to accept me, all of me, seen and unseen. The tools they provide showed me how to identify my emotions, how to better communicate them with others, and how to embrace them. But most importantly, these women taught me to trust and love again with their unending mercy.
Learn more about Getting Started with Discovering Mercy.
Discover How to Adopt a Heart like Lila to continue her path in healing.